A mammal with questionable virtues  Scientific Name: Delphinus delphis

Habitat: Costal waters

Status: Common (see above)

Hobbies: Debauchery, gambling, world languages

   The common dolphin is a lot like the more familiar bottlenose dolphin, but without the high rates of alcoholism and suicide.* The common dolphin is also more colorful, with its tan sides, black or grey back, and white belly. Unlike Flipper, these guys don’t need a trainer to stay active; they swim through the world’s seas and have a lot of recreational sex (dolphins are one of only three other animals that have sex just for fun, can you guess the other two?) These progressives of the sea travel in family pods and communicate with each other with echolocation. As every fifth grader knows, dolphins are some of the most intelligent animals in the world, but they haven’t mastered walking yet. Their failure to thrive on land is ruining their attempts to take over all the earth’s regions and enslave humans for entertainment purposes. They may show progress within the next ten millions years though.

*Yes, dolphins can kill themselves.

Supreme Ruler of the Galaxy, Oracle of Irvine, Keeper of Secrets Under the Mountain, Defender of the Faith 

Scientific Name: Felis catus awesomeus

Habitat: My house, also, the galaxy

Status: There can be only one

Hobbies: World domination, viewing the future, eating

Lady Toes, Supreme Ruler of the Galaxy, Oracle of Irvine, Keeper of Secrets Under the Mountain, Defender of the Faith, is my cat. She is the greatest creature currently living today. This is a fact. To question this fact is to die a horrible, horrible death. She is the most intelligent person east or west of theMississippi and has mandated that all should know about it. Her followers travel from all points of the globe wearing flowing robes just to view. My sister and I act as her disciples and interpret her will. Should any dare to question her authority, they are immediately shot with lasers from her eyes. She is a black and white tuxedo shorthair cat, and she is mighty!!!!!! Also, she enjoys catnip and popcorn.

The badass of India

Scientific Name: Bos guarus guarus

Habitat: Hills and forest of southeastern
Asia

Status: Endangered

Hobbies: Demolition

            Not to be confused with the galactic metal band, Gwar, the Indian guar is a type of wild bovine (cow). The animal’s scientific name, Bos guarus guarus, is reminiscent of a Star Wars character, but as of this writing, no living bovine has ever made it to space. The term “guar,” is a Hindi word for “large ox,” but I assure you, this is not your grandmother’s pack ox. Even in captivity, the guar is a wild and aggressive animal and is known to ram trucks.

            The Indian guar is the largest species of cattle and has a striking appearance. Don’t let their piercing blue eyes and dark, lustrous hair leave you enamored, these are wild cattle, not Jane Austin characters (although they share many traits with Mr. Darcy). Their dark brown coat contrasts greatly with their white legs, making them look like they are wearing stockings. When threatened, a guar will stand sideways in an attempt to intimidate its adversary with its extreme size. Also, their blue eyes stand out to show a predator that it is watching. Don’t mess with this cow.

            Sadly, not everyone has given the guar its space. In fact, it is endangered due to habitat loss and poaching (the eye thing doesn’t work against bullets). If this animal goes extinct, the world will lose one cool-looking badass. Vin Diesel doesn’t count. 

Scientific Name: Velociraptor mongoliensis

Habitat: Late Cretaceous
Mongolia

Status: Extinct

Hobbies: Starring in films, chess 

         Velociraptor, star of such films as Jurassic Park, The Lost World, and Jurassic Park III, is perhaps the best known type of dromaeosaur. In reality, this “fast hunter” was smaller than it was in the movies. Scientists now think that Velociraptor was no bigger than Napoleon*. These fun-sized predators didn’t let their size get the better of them; they were still able to take down larger prey. Protoceratops, the cow of the cretaceous, was a favorite entrée. Today, it is believed that Velociraptor was warm-blooded and may have been covered in feathers for warmth. Don’t let their downy appearance fool you though; they could still shank you to death with their 3in killer claw. These feisty pack hunters were also smart, fast, and agile, making them some of the sexiest dinosaurs ever to be discovered.

* Small-sized.